Saturday, October 20, 2012

Reflection and A Glimpse of What Will Come

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately which is only natural when you are about to turn another year older.  I've been thinking about me - the things I like, the things I would like to change, the things I need to let go of, how to move forward and what stops me from doing it.  I came to the conclusion that I can't move forward hanging on to the past and fears.  I have to let things go and move on.  Its time to finally make the changes I want to see within myself and stop letting fear hold me down and start living my life fully.  So before my birthday, before the end of another day, and before fear can grip me anymore, I am declaring the changes I will make in my life.

I am letting go of fear.  I am tired of it holding me down, stopping me in my tracks, and making me quit before I ever begin things.  I am tired of the devil using fear against me to keep me away from being closer to God.  I am tired of fear making me feel unworthy, unpretty, and stuck.  Fear is a weapon from the devil that he uses against you to make you feel like you can't do anything.  I have let the devil use this against me for far too long.  I've been afraid to try things, afraid to be myself, afraid to be bold for Christ, and afraid to live life fully.  No more though!  I won't let the devil hold fear over my head.  I am going to try new things, try to do the things I have been wanting to try for awhile, be myself no matter what - quirks and all, speak out for Christ because I am forever grateful that He was willing to die on the cross for this sinner, and live my life fully being present in every moment and enjoying the little things because they pass by way too quick.  I'm done with fear and I know that my God is bigger than any fear that the devil can try and hold over me.

I am letting go of the 45 extra pounds that I have been carrying around for the last 3 years.  I wish just letting go of them made them literally fall off your body, but sadly it doesn't.  I accept responsibility for every one of those 45 pounds.  I made the decisions that lead me to put on the weight, keep it on, and be lazy about exercising and eating right to get rid of them.  They didn't hop on to my body overnight and they won't fall off overnight.  I will have to work hard to get rid of them and make good choices to show myself that I do love myself and I do want to take care of myself.  I need to face the truth that I am a foodie and I love cooking, baking, and recipes, but I can make wise decisions concerning these areas and lose weight while being a foodie.  I also have to start exercising regularly to make my body healthier, stronger, and tone it up.  I know it will hurt for a little while, but it won't kill me and they say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Lastly, I am giving some of my relationships over to God.  I don't know what to do about these few relationships anymore and I have cried enough tears over them.  I have tried many different things with these relationships, but nothing has changed in them.  So now I am giving them over to God.  Only He knows what is supposed to happen with them and I can't sit around feeling hurt, wounded, and abandoned by these relationships anymore.  I have so many people that love me and want to have a relationship with me that I can't keep hanging on to and chasing relationships that aren't there.  I have a husband who loves me, kids that love me, family that loves me, and friends who love me.  I can't keep waiting for people to have a relationship with me that have made it clear they don't want to work on the relationship.  It hurts, but no wound is too big for God.

These are the things I am working on.  I am going to embrace them and embrace myself.  I'm tired of being stuck so I am clinging to God and moving on.  In Exodus, God told Moses "I AM WHO I AM."  He then went on to explain to Moses that He knew every single thing that would happen to the Israelites and what would happen as they left Egypt.  He told Moses that His hand was in it all.  Wow, to think that God has His hand in everything I do.  That is a huge promise.  God has everything planned out for me and He has His hand in it all.  That is all the comfort I need to reach out and grab on to that hand and let it hold me.  Nothing is too big for my God, nothing.


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